A little while ago my girlfriend went up into the attic to have a rummage around for some documents. She came back down with a bag full of toys which was exciting and unexpected and it made me make a mental note to check my parents attic when I am next in England visiting them, on the off chance any of my old stuff lurked in a cobwebbed corner. This still remains to be seen, so without further ado, for now I shall now just show you my girlfriends finds.
It’s Littlefoot! I didn’t watch the Land Before Time until I was about 11 or 12 which was over a decade after it came out. I think perhaps we might have had it on in class on one of the last days of school as a treat but am pretty sure I had more pressing matters to attend to, namely trading Micro Machines with a friend. The Land Before Time was a film I didn’t really admit to really liking as it was something my little sister watched over and over, but I did really enjoy it and it’s probably time I gave it another watch one of the days. Who doesn’t like cartoons and dinosaurs after all?
This Littlefoot is a hand-puppet, given away in Pizza Hut in 1988. I don’t remember a time when I was a kid that Pizza Hut gave away decent things for kids with meals. It was always a little colouring book and crayons which was okay but got a little boring after a while. I don’t think I went to Pizza Hut until ’95 or ’96 though so by that time they may well have stopped giving away all the good shit. In more recent years, my visits to Pizza Hut I have come away with indigestion from taking advantage of their buffets, and in part I wish I could go back to a time where I could just come away with free crayons, and not feel the need to stuff my face to feel like I have gotten my money’s worth.
Littlefoot isn’t the best hand-puppet I have encountered but I am probably only saying that because he won’t even fit on my hand. I think this is because I’m an adult now, not just because I have fat hands from overeating in Pizza Hut. Still I love Littlefoot and assumed he automatically now belonged to me when my girlfriend showed him to me. Which is fiiine. She can keep the next few toys I am going to show you.
I know very little about My Little Pony toys other than they were very successful in the late’80s and that the brand has somehow lasted for nearly two decades. Nowadays you can find dolls on the shelves called ‘Equestria Girls’ which looks like a furry fetishists wet dream in toy form, and looks nothing like the original iconic MLP toys, but obviously they’re selling so must be doing something right.
So seeing as I know nothing about the original ponies, I am going to make a few things up about these ones.
First off, here is the first pony I will be looking at. Her name is Marsha (I have decided).
Marsha is a happy little pony and is a big supporter of the LGBT movements, and has dyed her hair to match that of the LGBT colours to show her support (though with great difficulty as she didn’t have hands to open the dye). She is very likeable and because she is such a happy little pony her smile has multiplied and now occupies both sides of her arse as well has her face.
Octavia is much less likeable, because frankly she is a stuck up bitch, believing herself to be above everyone else as she comes from a long line of successful race horses. Although unpleasant, she still somehow seems to have a faithful following of friends and fans who constantly give her the affirmation that she is something special.
Zelie is a shy and reserved pony. She doesn’t say much but she isn’t an unpleasant person. She keeps to herself but is loyal and friendly to the few friends that she does have. Once she ate a bucket of fermented crab apples and got spectacularly drunk (completely out of character) and bit Octavia who had been mocking how quiet her neigh was. Octavia had a large bite mark on her head and decided to cover it up by wearing a heart shaped crown thing. She decided it was a good look and always wears it now. Since that day, Octavia has been nothing but nice to Zelie, which was a blessing as Zelie just wants a quiet life.
Erica is somewhat of a slow pony. She once ate a horseshoe and had to have it surgically removed. She talks often but it’s usually all nonsense. She means well and has a good heart, just a very small brain. Her best friend is her shadow. There is little else to really say about Erica as she has contributed very little to the group of ponies.
So that’s that. If Hasbro need someone to come up with back stories for their toys, evidently I am the man for the job.
Hopefully my next article will be a little more butch and about something I actually know stuff about. If you know anything about MLP and want to correct me, feel free to do so!